[WHY] Korea's newest prewedding gathering: Why expensive 'cheongmo' are necessary before saying 'I do'

Audio report: written by reporters, read by AI

Happy faces, joyful tears, loud cheers and endless congratulations from friends — these are what most people imagine when they think of a wedding, and Korea is no exception. After all, no couple wants an empty wedding hall.

But in Korea, filling those seats often comes with a stressful prewedding ritual many soon-to-be brides and grooms dread: wedding invitation gatherings.

Colloquially known as "cheongmo" — a portmanteau of cheongcheopjang (wedding invitation letters) and moim (gathering), these gatherings, where engaged couples meet friends, colleagues and acquaintances over meals to personally hand out printed wedding invitations, have become an unofficial yet deeply rooted part of Korean wedding culture.

And they are far from cheap.

Many couples now set aside a separate budget just for these meetups, typically spending between 20,000 won ($13) and 50,000 won per guest. Considering that a single gathering with four or five friends can easily cost over 100,000 won, the expenses pile up quickly.

Multiply that by several rounds of meetings from both the bride’s and groom’s sides, and the total balloons into the millions of won.

For couples already overwhelmed by wedding costs, it becomes yet another financial burden.

Korean weddings are already notoriously expensive. Beyond the ceremony itself, couples are expected to prepare the infamous “seu-deu-me” package — a portmanteau of the beginning sounds of the words, studio photos, dresses and makeup — on top of paying for the venue, floral arrangements and meals for guests.

“Honestly, it’s hard for couples not to feel pressured about wedding invitation gatherings,” said Lee Eu-gene, a newlywed who held several gatherings before her wedding. “The only reason I was able to host gatherings for everyone was that I didn’t end up spending that much on the wedding itself.”

So, how did what was meant to be a joyful celebration of marriage turn into a marathon of nerve-wracking social rituals?

‘Cheongmo’ season

Once couples settle on a wedding date, they begin one of the trickiest parts of the entire process: deciding whom to invite — how many people they will serve through the monthslong cheongmo season.

“Just like the wedding itself, wedding invitation gatherings felt like something I had to approach carefully, since people were taking time out of their schedules to meet in person,“ said Kim, a soon-to-be bride currently planning several invitation gatherings. She asked to be identified only by her surname.

After finalizing the guest list, the couple starts contacting people individually to arrange the gatherings. At the same time, they also prepare printed wedding invitations to hand out during the meetings — another process that requires both time and money. Despite often being used only once before eventually being discarded, many couples still pour significant thought and effort into designing the invitations.

The gatherings are usually held two to three months before the wedding, though in some cases they take place just weeks before the ceremony.

During the meetups, hosts hand out invitations containing details about the wedding venue and schedule. As social media has become deeply embedded in daily life, posting photos from gatherings alongside paper invitations has also become something of a ritual for attendees.

For those whom the couple cannot meet in person, mobile invitations are typically sent through KakaoTalk. These digital invitations include the wedding date, time and venue, along with pre-wedding photos. In many cases, they also include bank account information so recipients can send a cash gift even if they are unable to attend the ceremony in person. In Korea, it is customary to give the groom or bride a congratulatory cash gift.

When did it all start?

Like many modern-day “rituals,” cheongmo is also a relatively recent phenomenon.

“I remember married couples gathering friends for after-parties after their wedding, but I don’t remember hearing that people hold separate gatherings just to give out the invitation letters,” said Seo So-young, who married in the 1990s. “Some couples did hold engagement ceremonies before the wedding, but those events were usually centered around family members.”

Until just a few decades ago, rather than wedding invitation gatherings, one of the most common prewedding events involving friends was the traditional ham, or wedding chest, ceremony. In this custom, the groom’s side delivers a chest filled with symbolic gifts to the bride’s family, often with the groom’s friend playfully wearing a squid mask as they carry it. Even then, only a handful of close friends from each side typically participated.

For the most part, these were the extent of prewedding gatherings involving acquaintances. But things began to change in the early 2020s.

Online search traffic for the term wedding invitation gathering began surging in the early 2020s, particularly from 2022 onward, according to Naver Data Lab, the largest domestic search engine. Especially beginning in late 2022, around the end of the Covid-19 social restrictions, the numbers started to climb sharply.

Experts see the rise of wedding invitation gatherings as part of a broader “revenge spending” trend that emerged after the pandemic, which has gradually woven into Korea’s wedding culture.

“As marriage has become increasingly polarized, alongside the declining marriage rate, those who do get married seem to feel a stronger desire to hold more extravagant weddings,” said Han Min, adjunct professor of social psychology at Sookmyung Women’s University. “I think this mindset became tied to the wave of post-pandemic revenge spending.”

Why did it become a norm?

Despite being a relatively new phenomenon, wedding invitation gatherings have remained common even after the rise of mobile invitations. Many say the persistence of the practice reflects Korea’s deeply rooted collectivist culture.

“Korea has long had a communal culture in which people gather together to celebrate whenever there is a feast or special occasion in the neighborhood,” said Kwak Geum-joo, an emeritus psychology professor at Seoul National University. “As society modernized, that culture seems to have evolved into inviting people to celebrations like wedding invitation gatherings.”

Holding such gatherings has increasingly come to be viewed as a sign of respect toward those expected to attend the wedding.

In a survey conducted by matchmaking service company Duo released last year, eight out of 10 respondents said they planned to hold wedding invitation gatherings when they get married. Among them, 86 percent believe it is more respectful to personally deliver the invitation

“Personally, handing each person a paper wedding invitation felt like a way of showing respect for the relationship and bond we had built over the years,” said Lee. 

Kim echoed a similar sentiment. “It gives me a chance to personally deliver invitations to people I care about, share a good meal and express my gratitude and respect in person,” she said.

But because the gatherings are increasingly viewed as a social obligation, many also perceive skipping them as rude — a sense of fear of missing out, or FOMO, has also contributed to the spread of the culture, according to Prof. Kwak.

“For couples hosting a wedding, having many guests attend is considered important,” Prof. Kwak said. “In that sense, wedding invitation gatherings may function as a way of offering hospitality in advance. Once some people begin doing it, a bandwagon effect emerges, making others feel as though they are being impolite if they do not hold such meetups.”

Experts also point to the influence of social media.

“Young people getting married these days tend to be highly conscious of how others perceive them and often have a strong desire to appear socially successful,” Prof. Han said. “Posting these gatherings on Instagram also seems to turn them into a form of self-display and a way of showing one’s social status.”

Another gathering, another concern

Planning wedding invitation gatherings often leaves couples juggling an exhausting web of social calculations, from whom to invite to how to group guests and where to hold them.

“Among people from the same social circle, there were quite a few who got along well with me but not with each other, so I had to carefully navigate those relationships when deciding who to group together,” said Kim Hee-sung, who hosted several gatherings himself and spent considerable time coordinating guest lists.

As pressure surrounding the gatherings has grown, countless videos and online clips have emerged offering unofficial rules and etiquette guides, often with titles such as “How to avoid backlash.”

One clip with more than 2 million views advised couples to “properly treat guests to a decent meal,” arguing that handing out invitations over just a cup of coffee or a quick bowl of jajangmyeon (black bean noodles) could come across as “impolite.” The video also stressed that splitting the bill is a definite social taboo.

But with no clear rules in place, nearly everything has become a potential source of controversy, including how the invitation itself should be delivered.

The issue recently surfaced during an episode of MBC’s “Where is My Home” (2019–) when comedian Son Min-soo shared that an acquaintance of his faced backlash after sending only a mobile wedding invitation because he was too busy to organize in-person gatherings.

While several panelists agreed that sending mobile invitations is much more convenient, comedian Lim Lala, a panelist from the show, explained that “Some friends do feel a little hurt if they are only contacted through a phone message.”

In fact, many online users echoed similar sentiments, saying they felt offended when they received nothing more than a mobile invitation link, especially without any personal message attached.

“Mobile invitations are definitely convenient, which is nice, but at the same time they sometimes do come across as a little insincere,” an online comment said. Another comment wrote, “I understand people getting upset because sending nothing but a mobile invitation can make it seem like they’re just trying to collect congratulatory money.”

Not only overwhelming for the couple?

While invitation gatherings have become a burden for many couples, attendees also say they feel growing pressure, as accepting an invitation gathering often implies attending the wedding itself, or at the very least sending congratulatory money.

Less than a decade ago, giving 50,000 won at weddings was considered standard. But now, with average meal costs at Seoul wedding venues reaching around 70,000 to 80,000 won per guest, giving only 50,000 won is increasingly viewed by some as inconsiderate.

More than half of office workers in Korea, 61.8 percent, believe 100,000 won is an appropriate amount to give as congratulatory money when attending a colleague’s wedding alone and having a meal there, according to a survey conducted last year by recruitment platform Incruit. The survey polled 844 workers.

The average cash amount gifted to newlyweds at a Korean wedding stood at 117,000 won last year, according to a report released Thursday by NongHyup Bank.

“Being invited to a wedding invitation gathering does feel nice because it makes me feel like the person genuinely thought of me,” said Gong Ye-jin, who is single and has attended several gatherings over the years. “But at the same time, it’s hard not to think about the congratulatory money I’ll eventually have to give, especially during wedding season.”

BY KIM JI-YE [kim.jiye@joongang.co.kr]